what I am trying to say is there is spirit in everything it is trying to reach you

screenprint on cotton, monica lacey 2009

I think one of the reasons I don't post on my blog very often is that I feel a certain amount of pressure to keep it light and positive & friendly & so on. However, if you've taken even a glance at my work you can guess that I have some deep dark heavy thoughts and a tendency to melancholy & nostalgia. So today, in honour of PEI's Pride Week, and generally accepting & celebrating who we are no matter what, and also, in case there's one person who reads this and feels even a tiny bit less alone as a result, I thought I'd say, the heck with it, and share some really personal stuff.  A bit about my own story. Here goes.

I've had an awareness of my own soul as long as I can remember.  I was a shy, sensitive, serious child, I had recurring, terrible nightmares and was often very self-conscious, to the point of having a sense of watching myself as I played, even at a young age. I imagined no one else felt like I did, and I envied people who were able to just let go & take life - and themselves- lightly. I got angry, I got jealous, I had urges to manipulate others, to be mean or controlling, and of course, I turned all that energy onto myself in the form of self-destruction and low self-esteem. All this time what I really wanted were some tools for dealing with life.

As a teenager I was pretty depressed, so naturally I read tons of poetry, I listened to music that seemed to speak to the dark place I was in, and I slept a lot. At 13 I picked up some Carlos Castenada , and that was the beginning of a) realizing I was not alone in how I felt as a human being, and b) having some tools and techniques for managing my human life and starting to realize my actual potential.

Anyway, I read more, I traveled, I tried things, I explored the heck out of my own mind, I met wonderful teachers who helped me along the way, and then, finally, in 2004 I discovered Kundalini Yoga. I had been practicing yoga for many years, but had never tried this particular style. I was trying to figure out what to do with my life and thought, hey, I'll become a yoga teacher, why not. I looked for the longest teacher training I could find (the prices were all around the same, so I wanted the most bang for my buck), and it turned out to be a Kundalini teacher training program in Toronto.

This one

what can we do to be free - cyanotype, monica lacey 2010

decision completely changed my life - both inner and outer. Now, everyone is different, for sure, and I'm not trying to sell you a yoga practice here, but I can tell you I have been doing a daily Kundalini Yoga & Meditation practice now for almost 10 years and it continues to blow me away with its potency and the power it has to transform the human instrument. I have never found another technique that so effectively can lasso the mind and tame it.

For instance, today I got involved in a discussion that got my blood pressure up, and I wasn't feeling great about the world or humanity in general, plus it was humid and hot, and I was grumpy, so I rolled out my mat, and then I did this practice. It totally changed my day. I came out of it with a new perspective, more energy, and a sense of peace and connectedness.

In summary, whatever your situation, however you identify, whatever hand you've been dealt, I hope that you are finding the tools you need to manage your human experience, befriend your own soul, and realize your potential. If you haven't found those tools yet, keep looking - paths are made by walking after all.